31 August 2009

a tree grows for h

A brave friend of mine encouraged me to write a bit more about what I've been thinking lately. Many of you know I lost a student in a head-on collision in the spring (which is mainly why I stopped blogging so much -- I had to internalize her death and who can really understand the death of a nine year old?) I grieved with my class, went to the viewing but not the funeral (note: never go to the open-casket viewing of a child), and tried to move on. She was always in the back burner of my mind, which is where I put things when I can't figure them out right away.

The last week of school we planted a tree in her honor -- a magnolia. It was special to her family, and all of them came. Her wonderful mother, her aunt and grandmother, her sister paralyzed from the waist down in the crash that took H's life, her father, and her step-mother -- the one who was driving the car. I felt so especially sorry for her since how can you get over the could have, would have, should have scenarios that must pass through your mind every day after an event so horrific? At least I felt sorry for her until last week, when I found out this woman was high on cocaine, pot, and alcohol at the time of the accident. I just couldn't believe it -- or seem to get over it. How do you do that to a child, much less your children? The thought keeps me awake at night, especially as Tim and I contemplate starting our own family.

I was pulling sweaters out of a drawer tonight trying to find something to wear for school tomorrow. I touched a sleeveless lavender shell, and as I pulled it out I remembered wearing it to H's wake. Every day when I leave school I see the tree we planted for H. I think about her and her wonderful mother. I can't imagine the idea of losing your child so horrifically and on top of that knowing someone you trusted to watch her was in fact responsible for her death. How do you move on after that?

I lost my grandmother three weeks ago. I watched my mother lose her mother, and it was so difficult. Grandmother was 98 years old and lived a full and prosperous life. But it was still sad and heart breaking to watch my mother grieve. The bond between mother and child is so very strong -- I couldn't help but think of H's mother and their bond. How does one move on after such a tragedy? I'm not sure her death will ever move off my mind's back burner because I'm not sure I will ever fully understand.